Robert E. Howard and HP Lovecraft’s old debate on the virtues of barbarism over civilization or vice-versa, is now a moot point, for savagery rules. So, this places the modern, aspiring barbarian warlord in the position of the socially evolving individual. As all the bitch boys and manginas proliferate around the emasculated world and continue to cast civilized bitches and savage bitches adrift, what’s a barbarian pimp to do? On the one hand, you have your savage girls who think they are bitches yet aspire to be babes. On the other hand, you have your civilized girls who think they are babes but are in fact raging bitches. [We are leaving out the vast majority of females, savage bitches who will never be babes and civilized women who aspire only to dominant bitchdom. Since we only have two hands, that leaves these girls out, and if you did have a third hand, rest assured that it would be palming the top of a head.]

Seriously, back to the trainable girls who matter, what you want to achieve is a babe who thinks she is a bitch. Follow these easy steps given to me by my fighter, Oliver, who carries business cards in his wallet, not one of which has ever been given out on a business call, because he takes care of that on a smart phone. The business card is the invitation for the wannabe babe.

After she is firmly addicted to your kindness, your firmness, your harsh, firm address of her soft mystery, after many a door has been held dotingly for her, after rude men have been cast off her scent with a meaningful glare, begin her slave girl training.

a. With your arm firmly around her, say, “I love you, Bitch.”

b. With your hand soothingly on the back of her neck, feeling her most powerful as she knows that your manhood is firmly within the jaws of judgment, say “You’re a beautiful Bitch.”

c. Some hours later, while she’s unable to breathe, and you can tell that she’s really hot, truthfully say, “You’re such a hot Bitch.”

d. While you’re at your brother’s wedding and your arm’s around her, be sure to whisper in her ear with inverted sincerity, “Bitch, I love you.”

e. After you have treated the fine lady to her first two-digit orgasmic experience (for you Nimrods who think we’re referring to fingers here, this is 10 or more orgasms in one unmasking of her interior), pretend to rise out of bed to head for the beer cooler, but do so with a pained look like you’ve fought too many fights, smacked down too many chumps, walked away from too many ho’s, your training will come to fruitiion as she says, “No, Baby, I’ll get that.” Then, when she brings your beer back, crack it open, then thoughtfully kiss her before you take a drink, offering her a draught first and then say, with all adoring sincerity, “You’re such a good bitch.”

f. At this point, if you’ve gotten this far, the other sixteen steps will be a breeze and will progress according to your sexual prowess. Just know that in the end, at the end of that curvy rainbow, the goal is that when you’re thirsty and you’ve had a rough day at work, all you have to do is cast an admiring eye on your slave girl and say, “Bitch, a beer.”