A few years back I was at a cousin’s wedding, speaking to a second cousin, an attractive young woman who had a master’s degree in Spanish. This was in 2011, when I was writing a novel about a time traveler to16th century Florida. I was thrilled to speak with her, as I only knew from my Mexican fighter and Puerto Rican coach, that people from different Central American nations had different dialects of Spanish that were mutually intelligible, but featured some different words and usages. When with these men the conversation was always weighted toward combat and I had gleaned nothing of these things, least of all the difference between Castilian, the lingua franca of most of the conquistadors and Spanish as spoken today. For instance, if I had a modern Puerto Rican time traveler speaking to Soto, what stumbling blocks might there be in the way of Amerindian loan words and modern developments that might make understanding less than smooth, or at least humorous?

My cousin went on to explain that there were no Spanish dialects, that there was but one way of speaking Spanish and that all Latinos were as one and of one mind. [I mused silently that this would obviously explain the lack of civil wars and insurgencies in South and Central America.]

I countered that people from Baltimore, London, New York, Pittsburg, Antigua, Trinidad and Australia, which I had known, all spoke different regional dialects, and that surely, there is a word that modern Mexicans say that Christopher Columbus would not have recognized?

No, all Latinos and Latinas speak thee exact universal dialect of Spanish, and that furthermore they are all globalists, honest and morally superior to hate-filled white Americans.

I pointed out that ancient Greek was spoken in Ionian, Attic, Dorian, Koine [a military/trade dialect], and two other dialects I cannot recall.

She assured me that such differences in language only persist with American English, because America is the land of bigotry, separatism and racism enforced by white prejudice, and that other languages are all spoken in unified globalist harmony.

What? I thought, as she dragged me down the rabbit hole of her agenda.

It turned out, that she had gone to work for an organization devoted to providing health care, drivers licenses, housing and citizenship to illegal aliens and had fallen in love and become engaged to a man from Honduras, I think—hopefully he’s not Salvadoran!

I have since met a person who speaks and teaches Spanish, who assured me that this woman either lied about her degree or about her experience, as the language has certain regional and national nuances that makes studying with certain “native speakers” both fascinating and challenging. Yes, when she took over ordering at the authentic Mexican restaurant, she and the owner could make themselves understood, but, it seemed—by their facial expressions and body language—like I was listening to a New Englander speak with a West Virginian. It looked to me like they both enjoyed the interaction, partially because they were both experiencing something like a differentiated kinship, an expansion of their individual lingual elasticity. In them, I saw such a world which has always existed, in various tones of joy and sorrow. In my cousin, I saw the evil monotone chrome that threatens to coat the human mind—like a thugess with blindingly gray spray paint tagging the Mono Lisa as she calls Leonardo a sexist.

Readers: if you are a Spanish speaker, I was wondering, can you provide an example of a word used in one nation or dialect that is not understood by this proposed universal, Leftist, Hispanic mind?