I was talking to my fellow night crew grunts last night and found out that this past Saturday two young ladies entertained them from just after 4 to just before 5 AM, on the front sidewalk. I also heard that ‘The Man’ was not pleased with the backup night captain letting this go on in front of his establishment for an hour. I got this from three different sources, so permit me to regale you.

Mysteria, the gay cashier, was working up front when Lily, the elderly deli clerk, came in early from her break and mumbled something about two young women saying something impolite on the sidewalk. One woman was wearing a blouse and short black shorts, and the other was wearing a denim dress. The lady with the dress was pulling down her top and lifting her dress to get Mysteria’s attention.

Both of the ladies were described as ‘twentyish’ and ‘attractive’. The one in the dress lifted it once to admit the head of her crouching friend. The call then went out across the aisles that ‘lunch’ was indeed being served at ‘parcel pickup’.

By the time the night crew made it up front the lady in the dress was sporting a ‘flesh-colored’ strap-on electronic vibrator and her friend was pretending it was a flute. These things and other antics continued for about a half hour until Mysteria finally got a phone number from one of the performers.

The Sun Paper vender then pulled up and began filming the action, even requesting a variety of positions from the young starlets. Soon though, Joe, the grocery manager, pulled up on the lot. Mysteria advised her new flung friends to leave. There was a hitch in their plan as they walked off past Joe. The vibrator did not apparently have a limp setting and was making something of a vertical tent out of the dress.

Joe looked at the ladies and indicated that they were leaving in a suspicious state. I forget what wording he used with them as he told me while we were rotating The Man’s Greek yogurt. He did tell me that the offending prostheses disappeared beneath the dress head first, and as the hydraulic duo walked off the lot the cord and the control stick were dangling beneath the hem of the denim dress.

Concerned for my boss’ peace-of-mind I offered to recommend a bouncer and a barker to help these ladies formalize their act and bring in more overnight costumers. This did not find favor with management, and the night captain was directed to, “Tell them to leave, and if they don’t, call nine-one-one and tell them that two girls are having sex on the sidewalk. The cops might take fifteen minutes if it is an armed robbery. But if the word goes out that you have two hot chicks in need of night sticks, you will have the entire precinct here in fifteen seconds!”