Dear Sir,

About four weeks ago I was visiting a friend and sat down on their sofa, trying to quiet my 16 month old child in the middle of the night. A moment later, a large painting slid off the back of the sofa and into my face, impacting the area where my nose meets my forehead, right under my left eyebrow. The painting was large, about four feet by three feet, and I stopped it completely with my head, thank goodness it did not touch my daughter. It was immediately very painful, though I did not make a sound. I had dull pain in that area and severe headaches for a week. Even now, the spot is tender when I press on it, four weeks later, though much reduced. Headaches and migraines are not unknown for me, but having them everyday for a week is not normal for me.

Dr. LaFond, what is your diagnosis?

Did that painting come close to scoring a KO on me?

Is it possible it put a dent on my skull?

I know from breaking my toe that bones can take around six weeks to completely stop hurting.

Sincerely,

Lynn

P.S. Some months ago, I sought your advice on whether black out drinking is similar to a concussion but never heard back from you. Asking for a friend of course.

Last things first:

I do not know what alcohol does to the brain. I just know that when I drink, I no longer want to kill people. It’s nice to take a break from that rather constant fixation. Furthermore, my experience as a notable knucklehead has surely rendered me incapable of understanding the physiology of that very organ, considering I wasn’t too bright to begin with. I simply have no basis for comparing concussions to getting drunk and since I’ve never gotten as drunk as your describe, am totally out of the shallows of my depths in this area. I do know that a concussion has made me “loopy” for up to 10 days and seems to have a far greater impact on my already inadequate personality. When concussed, I do not even try to make myself understood, let alone feign empathy for my multitude of moral underlings. I can definitely say, from my experience, that I am more effective fighting while concussed than while drunk. I have won fights in both conditions, but more consistently when concussed then while drunk.

You were hit on a thin bone between the eye [which can be a source of much nerve pain] and your sinus cavity, which is another perennial source of pain for us primates. In think there is also a martial arts meridian or trigger point there as well, though I do not believe in such sorcery. If the bone was bruised it may well also have a small crack. Both of these hurt, usually just when the bone is being used. But consider that you are forever drawing air through your sinuses and moving your eyes.

A crack in the skull is more likely than a dent-although I have seen both.

You were almost KO’d, I think., as I am guessing that your neck was shocked and is accounting for residual headaches.

I actually recommend this location as an abort target for an eye jab. I like spearing the eye with my finger tips from the side to rake the cornea and then stun the antagonist by the rude sinus shock and sometimes eye spasms that result. There may be other sources for the headache, however:

1. Nerve irritation associated with the eye

2. Muscle spasms in the neck and head—yes, we have muscle wrapping round our head—resulting from the impact.

3. Reading jameslafond.com to the point where your edified brain is hypertrophied and pressing against the frontal portions of the skull.

4. Drinking until you black out.

Consider checking your neck muscles for spasms

Since my experience with head injuries is focused on inflicting and sustaining them, I am afraid my therapeutic knowledge is scant at best in terms of treatment.

Lynn, you recently left me a comment concerning my stated opinion that if I were a millionaire I would date Miss Bum Bum Brazil contestants, and if one had a high enough IQ, breed with her. To clarify, I am done breeding, unless such a vixenian opportunity would resent itself—and at an income of 10K a year, that is somewhat less then unlikely. As far as my IQ standard for breeding, it is skewed by my physical standard. You see, I was born a weakling, a scrawny bird of a boy glazed with baby fat until age 10. I would breed with a young lady, according to the following criteria:

1. Physical vitality, strength, health and beauty 40%

2. Agreeable disposition and lack of cruelty 40%

3. Intelligence 20%—speading her legs is not that complicated, the nurses will tell her when to push [besides already being selected for hips and abs that would allow her to launch the kid across the delivery room], and, well, to be absolutely blunt, I’ve got enough smart DNA to assure a highly intelligent child. He might as well have an agreeable Mum.