Last night I spoke to my friend, who happens to be a highly qualified doctor, with an MD, multiple masters degrees, multiple teaching degrees, who has ironically come to the conclusion that “Doctors are the stupidest smart people you will meet.”

Inquiring as to how his business of one is going, I discovered that, although he works about 100 hours a week, he has not drawn pay in months.

He does a lot of charity work.

He works two jobs just to pay for his malpractice insurance.

Every dollar he bills to Medicare is paid at six cents!

These six cents—and every other dollar he makes—are then taxed at a 54% rate.

He is currently living in the only room of his house he can afford to heat and is paying for his food and gas by giving guitar lessons!

He applied to teach one class a week at the university from which he graduated from with one of his masters. This class was “An Introduction to Sports Science,” or something close to that. This guy is a surgeon with a masters in exercise physiology who has worked extensively as a doctor for boxing and MMA events, does half the fighter medicals in the Baltimore area and has another 10 points of qualifications on a long list. The university rejected his application on the grounds that he was “unqualified,” when in fact he is grotesquely overqualified. Then he discovered that they had searched a blog post he published critical of Islamic terrorism and that he was disqualified on these grounds.

He then went on a tangent about something I had never heard of, since he’s the only doctor I’ve used for the past 14 years. He told me that the AMA and “other medical boards” have “wellness parameters which primary care physicians are supposed to meet and we are all primary care physicians to a certain extent.”

So Doc tells me that a physician is supposed to ask you if you feel safe in your house. If you say no, they are supposed to ask you if there are any weapons in your house. If there are weapons they are supposed to determine if there are firearms and advise that these are bad for your health.

“I have a patient whose child’s pediatrician—a guy I worked with—was beating him up over having a gun in his house, saying it was—according to the medical conventions of our profession—bad for his child’s health. I actually had to intervene and called the pediatrician up and told him to back off, that Ed was a good guy.

“Then, I see a physician for a medical matter who is this smoking-hot, gorgeous Asian babe—fucking hot! I’m sitting right there with her intern standing by and she asks me, ‘Do you feel safe in your house?’

‘Of course I feel safe in my house, it’s my house.’

‘Do you have any weapons in your house?’

‘Yes, I do.’

‘Then how can you feel safe in your house?’

‘Because if anyone comes in without my permission they’re shortly going to require my services as a physician—they’re not walking out of there.’

“At this point, she’s horrified, I know I’ve lost any chance of banging her whatsoever, so just have fun with the rest of this bullshit—which, I should add, most physicians dispense with because we know its bullshit.”

'Do you have firearms in your house?'

'Yes I do, but I'd prefer not to use them. Guns aren't intimate enough. I prefer intimate violence.'

‘What kind of weapons do you have in your house?’

‘Sticks, bats, knives, in numerous varieties, swords, a cross bow, an axe, hand guns—automatic and revolver—a shotgun, rifles, an assault rifle, a rocket launcher—which I keep in my basement. I actually drill intruder combat scenarios in the nude and can be found crawling around in the grass on my property, armed to the teeth…’

“When it comes down to it this is a liberal crusade to eliminate guns. Dude, this pussy world we live in is just so sick that it leaves the common sense thinker so much material to have fun with that I envy your writing time.”

The doctor interviewed above is the coauthor of On Bitches, masterpiece of vaginal management philosophy.