D.L.,We are transcribing this while drinking beer and whisky, would you be so kind as to edit the predictable grammatical errors out. Leave the Land O’ Lakes babe alone.
—Sure, James, I'd be happy to, but for now, I'm on my knees myself, like the LOL babe, playing rug ball with Sammy and deciphering his little one man regional accent. This will be done in sections from the back end using my phone, so expect to see it keep rising to the top of the list. Personally, I think the title "The LaFond and Franklin Fix" has a certain alliterative ring to it.—DL
Here is a radio show/podcast where the announcers hate the sound of their own regional accents so much they have decided to put this ‘unaired’ radio show on as a transcript to be read. You could see it as an ancient ‘dialogue’ in the classical tradition combined with post-modern day ‘shit-posting.' You can see it as a clever or not so clever way to cheat with a fake format, but what we are going for is the free-form style of a radio program and being topical for the time frame it is posted in.
Obviously we will cover such topics as the recent election that has just transpired, personal anecdotes and some more spontaneous items. In the tradition of Bob Grant (RIP), Opie and Anthony, the boys at TRS and the pros at Red Ice, we give you the Mescaline Fix #1. That name sounds better than LaFond and Franklin in the afternoon drive time…
Mescaline: “Hey, what’s up everyone—out there in the abyss we call the internet? I hope you are all pleased with the presidential election result this past November 9. Whatever you think of Mr Donald J Trump, you have to admit, it will be an interesting four years. For eviscerating the vile media, knocking Hillary out for good, and making lots of liberals cry like beaten welfare kids, I have gotten my money’s worth. He’s like a mooky, orange skinned Buck Rogers, a man from the past who is able to fight the alien domination of the last few decades because he seems to have realized or remembered that he has an actual penis between his legs. What do you think Jim?”
James: “I didn’t think it was possible for Trump to win. This might have been clouded by my desire to see Russian and American aviators duking it out over Syria. There were some people who had paid more attention to the race who told me back in September that it was neck to neck. Again my own desire to see America ruled by an evil queen clouded my perception which made showering in liberal tears that much more sensual of an experience. One of those people was Ulrich.”
Mescaline: Leftists have never looked more pathetic and lacking in good faith than in this election. The media was just straight up lying and making shit up; even normies I know thought it was pretty apparent. It’s like they were really not the master manipulators we thought they were. The truth is that they just ruled over a mostly apathetic and stupid mass of morons, whom reality has now woken up a few of to this Grave New World they are living in.
James: “I think they are master manipulators and like every master class they eventually fall prey to their own doctrine. The media is the atheistic priesthood of the God in the Mirror, just as the Aztec belief in their own doctrine doomed them to conquest. Every master class will eventually fracture along their own rigid lines. Trump just saw those lines more clearly than the rest.”
Mescaline: “You could say that they manipulated themselves after manipulating everything and everyone around them for so long, that they had internalized it into their Being and had nothing left to devour but themselves. It’s almost as if we are being controlled by forces beyond humanity, whether it's abstract ideologies or maybe even malevolent powers. Still they have just been temporarily thwarted. I mean, I enjoy the ‘God Emperor-Meme’ like any other shitlord, but realistically there will be no single savior. There is nothing left to really save; the damsel is a rotting corpse in chains.”
James: “Thanks for that lovely metaphor. I live in Baltimore and work and train with people who are still despairingly upset over this election. Some of these people are not manginas, some of these are men I coach who are tough, strong-minded guys. When they tell me how upset they are, it's not whining or crying like I see with the feminists. This isn’t someone who thinks they have been cheated, and it's not the look of a person whose team has just lost a close game, which is what you expect after an election. These guys looked into my eyes as if they had just been betrayed by their mothers—the betrayal of being lied to by their own priests, their own media.”
Mescaline: “What were the specific reasons they gave for being in favor of Hillary, a woman whose essence is that of an emasculating psychopath. That shrill voice of hers makes my testicles want to run and hide in the nearest orifice.”
James: “All three voted conservatively, not ideologically. The white guy is a union member and a Sanders supporter who grudgingly voted for Clinton because he fears Pence will marginalize unions even further. Another guy was a Sanders supporter who grudgingly voted for Clinton because he believed media reports that Trump would roll back civil rights to Jim Crow and start WWIII with Russia. The third guy is a black businessman who was a Ron Paul supporter. He flirted with voting for Trump until reports in the media convinced him that he would seek war with Russia. They thought Hillary was disgusting, but they felt like they were making the socially responsible choice.”
Mescaline: “It's good to hear this little talked about side to otherwise honorable and masculine men who voted for Hillary. It shows many things about the current society and what passes for social responsibility. These men also had little time in their lives for true alternative media as they have intensive jobs and the intensive hobby of fighting. This tenuous grip on these men in liberal strongholds shows why they must continue to marginalize and shutdown the internet and other sources of information.”
James: “These are smart phone people and the mainstream media includes Facebook and Twitter, both of which they seek to censor more and more. Ricky Vaughn, Milo whats his name, the flaming gay guy, even the now President Elect Trump.”
Mescaline: “My own smart phone news alerts and whats ‘trending’ are 100% anti-Trump. It's like a joke, and it is not ending with the election. All these people are saying, "Thank god it's over," and I want to laugh at them. It's not over, it's never over. Like the Tall man said, the battle has just begun. This is open warfare on all fronts, and no one will be spared. Too many of my alt-right/white nationalist cohorts think Trump has now saved them. In reality he may have bought a little extra time at best. The age of barbarism that you hope for, Jim, will occur, so rejoice!”
James: “The appeal of Trump is the appeal of the intercessor, the pharoah of Egypt was an intercessor outside the system. The divine right of kings is a doctrine that places the king as an alienated figure that intercedes to restore balance. Since Trump did not come from within the political system, he has invoked that sense. One of the most evil documents ever signed is the Magna Carta. Ever since the king was forced by the political strong men to sign this, the power of the chief executive to intercede on behalf of the common man has been reduced.
By the time that James Annelscy escaped from thirteen years of slavery in America and proved in court to the satisfaction of the King of England that he was the rightful heir of his father’s estate, the King found himself unable to enforce a court order against a middle-rung aristocrat and criminal who had sold James into slavery. The chief executive in the modern West is himself co-opted and devoured by the system. This is the ultimate safeguard against intercession by the chief executive. It will be interesting to discover whether or not the digestion of Donald J. Trump will cause the evil machine that eats him any indigestion. A hiccup would be nice!
LIBERAL TEARS VINTAGE 2016 by man Morrakiu:
INTERMISSION
Mescaline: "Well said. It’s all about being optimistic and hopeful at The Mescaline Fix. Let's shift gears. What do you think of what happened at Ohio State University the other day with the Somali refugee running down people with his car and then trying to stab every motherfucker in sight? As the day went on and his name and race were still not mentioned, I knew this had to be a foreign POC who worships the God of Peace (or else)."
James: “About 170 years ago, a British expedition led by Europe’s best swordsman, Captain Richard Burton trespassed on the Somali coast. Brave Somali warriors overran Burton’s camp and he paid for trespassing on their tribal lands with a spear through his face. About twenty years ago, US Special Operations Command was likewise trespassing in Somalia. They paid for this with a humiliating defeat and a bloody draw. In light of the great Somali warrior tradition, I think it’s disgraceful that this skinny faɡɡot failed to kill a single white rabbit with his blade.”
Mescaline: “Yeah, that sounds about what I thought you would say. There is no point moaning about these people being here. We either throw them out, defeat them in combat, or be their bitches. The OSU sent out a tweet to run, hide, fight. I was surprised they even had fight as an option. Bending over seems more appropriate with this culture as the third option.”
James: “The first two points in that command, to run and hide, will chemically disable almost any human from engaging in the third command. Since this was an educational institution, imagine if you will, one skinny twerp with a knife showing up at a Spartan agoge. What command would the head of the school issue to the troop of naked, unarmed boys on the training ground?
Note that it was a blow to Persian morale at Thermopylea, that as they finished off the Spartans on the last day, that the Spartans continued to fight with their hands and teeth. These Persians were courageous warriors, but the willingness of an unarmed person to attack a blade-armed person causes a similar confidence check and possible self doubt apparent in the behavior of a hunting leopard who is counterattacked by unarmed chimpanzees. Extreme aggression is the best answer to the knife.”
OSU STORY:
Mescaline: “Yeah, I figure extreme aggression is better suited, even though we live in a passive-aggressive country, at least among the so-called civilized. However, with increasing attacks of this kind for the foreseeable future, we may get some use finally out of fat feminists and wimpy faɡɡot types as meat shields. While they eat the blade in all their pathetic weakness and glorious shrieking, it's fitting for them to be butchered by the people they fight for at my expense.”
James: “You mentioned ‘passive aggressive’ as an American characteristic which is spot on. If your goal is to terrorize passive aggressive primates, there is no better tool than the blade. The blade resurrects the horror of claws and fangs possessed by the feline predators that preyed upon our distant ancestors. Think of the weapons used by the most notorious horror villains of the slasher genre: Jason, Michael Myers and Freddie Krueger.
I prefer to believe that this universe was created by a video game programmer, who is hopefully entertained by my antics since I dropped out of the game. But if one believes in evolution and that man is descended from arboreal apes who literally climbed down out of the trees to take on the big cats, then I see civilization and the building of our ever-taller dwellings as a subconscious attempt to climb back into the trees. The resulting sissy society will therefore replicate the passive aggression of the monkey whose greatest fear is the fangs and claws of the leopard.”
Mescaline: “Deep, my brother, deep. This is a shout back to the immortal classic ‘When You’re Food,' raw on sale at amazon.com! It is depressing to think of furry little pre-humans, the size of a child, grabbing sharp objects and facing down predators much larger and more numerous than today and realizing their efforts have been rewarded with fat walmart shoppers who cannot even deal with being punched by a 13-year-old. All those eons of struggle, crushed by carbohydrates.”
James: “It wouldn’t be depressing if you were a man-eating Leopard from India that won a Publishers Clearing House prize to hunt the Mall of America.”
Mescaline: “…or Baltimore, Maryland”
James: “We should release man-eating leopards in American cities, attached with radio collars that will tranquilize them at dawn. It won’t be long before they develop the taste for dark meat and this will restore the balance of aggression in urban America and herald the return of the Nine to Five job.”
Mescaline: “While we're at it, let's throw some Moose, Buffalo and Polar bears into the mix. They won’t joke about ‘Polar Bear’ hunting anymore after their homeboy’s blood is smeared all over that white, furry snout. It will also reduce the beastie/BT-1000 combat incubator system. Throw in some hipsters and we are set!”
James: “The vision of Bison being reintroduced into urban America is really entertaining. I’m envisioning the corner of Hamilton and Harford Road, with a crowd of micro brew imbibing hipsters at the Hamilton Tavern petting a bull Bison, and then the bitch with the crossed handgun tattoos on her shoulders who does African braids at KiKi’s Kuts coming out of her shop, seeing that curly Buffalo hair and going over there with her scissors, saying, “I could get me some hundred dollar a track weave out of this here shit,” and then the bull just wiping them all out as she tries to cut his hair. That would be sweet revenge for Samson and Iron Eyes Cody.”
Mescaline: “Who is Iron Eyes Cody?”
James: “He is the actor that played the Indian in the 1970’s commercial in which he looked at a New Jersey stream clogged with trash and shed one cinematic tear.”
Mescaline: “Yeah, that’s New Jersey all right. What did he expect? I remember as a kid being affected by such an obvious, sentimental PSA. I am for the environment and all that gay shit, but fuck that heart string pulling, Forrest Gump nonsense.”
James: “I was a little bit older than you, so I was more concerned with where this crybaby Indian had the Land O' Lakes butter babe stashed. I was hoping she was in the same Teepee as Marie Osmond.”
Mescaline: “Yeah, you're an old-ass man, alright. But Marie Osmond was hot, and she looked like she had some Indian blood in her. Anyway, lets wrap this up. This is The Mescaline Fix #1. You have heard of ‘The Greatest Story Never Told.’ Now you have read ‘The Greatest Podcast Never Aired.' Thanks for your support, everyone."
FIN
LIBERAL TEARS VINTAGE 2016 by man Morrakiu:
OSU STORY:
WHEN YOU’RE FOOD RAW
This is Aces. I would listen to this podcast. Great job, guys.
I would love to hear the audio, I am a big fan of listening to regional accents, and I would like to be able to read this website in James's voice the rest of the time.
Lynn, just imagine Willie Nelson getting punched in the nose by Mike Tyson, then taking a huge hit from a bong. That's what I sound like.
Mescaline sounds cool. I like his accent.
It will be up to him if we do this as it is his project and he knows how gadgets work?
iron eyes, the fake indian....used to laugh at
those commercials..so fake
It sounds like we would have made quite a pair of cynical malcontents as boys.
It starts out like a rumble and gets more like a mumble, which gets more so as the beers go down...
Well, Ishmael, what do you think?
This would make one hell of a podcast. Your voice is fine. Nothing wrong with it. Where the hell is this regional accent you speak of?
Oh, that's Mescaline's New York—I forget which godforsaken corner of it—accent.
Thanks Lynn, I was joking about doing a podcast with another friend and then the similarity of transcripts to dialogues and such found us a cheap way to write it as if we did one (which we didn't). Similar to the interview in When Your Food:Raw. Who knows maybe someday we will record..probably a smart phone app could do this(Periscope)? Research time.
Thanks Sam! Its an honor that you dug this. I remember listening to your Red Ice interview after I read your book. Look forward o your next project!
We will do one every time I visit Bodymore.
Lili Hun has a point The Lafond and Franklin Fix sounds like a better title.
Oh boy talk of videos and now podcasts? You are going to be an Internet celebrity in no time!
Damm, that would be one hell of a Podcast. You guys really should star recording it.
Damm, that was awsome! You should really start recording this.!
Glad you think so, Bruno. It was really a lark because I was hurting too bad to type and it was a way for the esteemed Mister Franklin to help me get some content up.
We'll see what he says.
Two Brew and Mesc,
move over Rogan!
Periscope might work, I watch the ones Scott Adams does occasionally. Thanks for all the work you all do, you really deserve a bigger audience and commensurate financial reward.
Y'all need to actually make this a podcast, periscope, or whatever. BTW JL, I only discovered your site a couple months ago, but I've been reading it compulsively every damn day since. I may just be an upjumped piece of trailer park trash from the 305 gone full expat; but I can recognise a man with iron in his words and eyes in his skull when I hear it.
If Mars makes a demand, a warrior, even a decrepit one, must keep faith with he who sleeps upon a bed strewn with enemy skins. I'll do it, but its all up to Mescaline. I just mastered the "find" function on the keyboard.
By the way, I once took a likely wench in a trailer. she wasn't trash and gave me a strong son. So I'm a trailer park sympathizer.