DECEMBER 4, 2016

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3 December, 2016

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE.

The Only Way Forward Is Upward.

Wolves of Vinland Announce Space Program.

Cascadian Bioregion, Earth — The controversial pagan cult known as “The Wolves of Vinland” announced today that they will be taking their ongoing spiritual war on the Blank Empire to space. On December 2nd, Paul Waggener, aka “Grimnir,” responded to claims made Friday by the New York Times that the Wolves were the “environmentalist component” of the “Alt-Right” political movement.

“We reject this false characterization completely,” Waggener wrote. “In fact, we belong to the CTRL-Right, and we’re in charge not of the environmental component, but the SPACE COMPONENT. The only race we care about is the space race. We’re dedicated to the idea that space belongs to the Working Man, and we won’t let the forces of bourgeois tyranny—such as this Space Monkey-run, purported “news” paper—stand in our way.”

Since this announcement, sources close to the Wolves have confirmed that the group, which has gained some notoriety in recent years for its unapologetic practice of a grisly form of heathen black magic known as “Brosatru,” has invested heavily in the development of devices designed to meet the challenges of interplanetary travel.

Author Jack Donovan, linked to the Cascadian chapter of the Wolves, which released several photos today of known Wolves members outfitted for space, admitted to spending, “at least 40 dollars,” between trips to Wal-Mart and several area thrift stores. “We’re not kidding ourselves. This is going to take a lot of hard work and it won’t be cheap, but I think we’re onto something here,” he stated, as he gazed dreamily toward the heavens.

When asked for comments concerning the Wolves’ technological advances, Matthias Waggener, sometimes known as Jarnefr and current chair of the Wolves athletic program replied: “We haven’t settled 100% on a technology of locomotion, but we are drinking a lot of Tang and we can ride our bikes pretty fast.” A member identified as Gunnar added, “F*ck yeah!” and crushed a can of Natural Light on his forehead. It is not known if the can was later recycled, further calling into question claims that the Wolves are environmentalists, or even truly “white.”

Little else is known about the aims of the Wolves’ space program, and many questions remain. However, one member, referred to by others as Galdr, promised that more revelations are forthcoming. As he disappeared into the woods, he screamed, “WE ARE F*CK SORCERERS FROM MARS! F*CK SORCERERS! FROM MARS!” Other Wolves present nodded, hungrily.

For more information about the Wolves of Vinland and their developing space program, readers are advised to “sacrifice three young roosters to Heimdallr “and “look right at their guts.”

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