Recall the movie I am Legend, starring Will Smith, in which the hero discovers, to his fright, that the vampire mutants are becoming resistant to sunlight, that they were evolving. Many a time have I written that there is no such thing as a bad neighborhood at six in the morning. Indeed, I have traversed the worst areas of Baltimore in the wee hours and have been set upon by nothing more dangerous than a pack of feral dogs, who, up until that time, had not learned how to use firearms or automobiles, so I got out of there with one mangy rascal on my tail and made good my escape.

Overall, prime robbery and mob assault times are:

1. 2-6 P.M. by high school students

2. Dark until midnight when fresh cops come on duty and attackers lay low for two hours until the bars disgorge victims.

3. 2-4 P.M. when, if you are out and about, alone and unarmed on foot you are an extra in a horror movie—good luck.

Little did my adorable friend, Lili Hun, imagine when she drove down her alley past a deceased friend's house, that she would see a Dindu under the back porch using his cell phone as a light source as he peered into the basement.

Lili—and she has since been spanked by her pitiless khan over this—stopped, got out of her pink minibus with the gray primer, and behaved exactly like the nosey brunette in Scooby Do, saying, "What are you doing around here? There's nothing in there. He's dead!"

The tall, thin, older youth then walked toward the front, where a possibly female accomplice stood as Lili snapped photos for the cops and began to curse and rant and rave at these people invading her neighborhood. This is generally a mistake for a woman, unless you are a Nimitz Class BT-1000. However, if you are bilingual then this tends to freak Dindus out, because the villains in all the Denzel Washington movies are Russians, and without Denzel there to save the day, what's a brother going to do?

Lili was embarrassed to write this story herself and I did tell her that she might win the "Dumb Bitch of the Month" award for exposing herself and getting verbal with a Dindu. However, this Dindu actually spoke standard English and she is absolved by raving in Hungarian:

"Who is that, your accomplice or your girlfriend? It's hard to tell since your women are so horse-fucking ugly! May God curse your orchards with gypsy thieves and may a stallion mount you for a mare!"

Just don't dismount from the inappropriately painted fighting vehicle in enemy contact again, Lili, and you should be fine. A pink minivan goes over a Dindu once, with little left over and hopefully gets a leg stuck in the wheel well, which should come off as soon as you gun it for the other one.

Remember, you are a journalist, not a combatant. Do not exit the combat vehicle!