Two weeks ago I was having breakfast with a college student who is working as a manager trainee at a pizza carryout. He tells it better than I could.
“About six o’clock Thursday this crippled fat person pulled up [in an old dark SUV.] He was a nasty fat white person, probably lives in a trailer with some kind of nasty dog—probably folds up the whole pizza and eats it like a hot pocket.”
Author: “Okay, so this dude is so nasty that his hypothetical domestic canine is guilty by association; by definition ‘nasty’ in an irredeemable ‘Hills Have Eyes’ kind of way?”
[Laughter]
“Yes. But there is no way that this guy’s nasty dog is as cool as the dog in the movie. This would be a homeless red-neck mutant dog.”
Author: “Do you realize that this is the single most damning personal judgment I have recorded in over a decade?”
“This guy was old—not as old as you, but looked a lot older—and fat, and had no shirt on, and had three breasts. I don’t know what the boob in the middle was, but it was nasty and jiggled like the rest. A third man-boob, how much more nasty can you get? His hair was greasy and he was scruffy.”
“He hobbled out of his nasty SUV—which was not nasty per say, just worn-out and overworked, especially on the driver’s side. He had to run four-hundred to four-fifty—a definite chair-melter. He had this fast food cup with tea in it—no ice. As he was limping to the door the girl that was manning the counter fled into the bathroom.”
“The other girl stepped up to the counter to help him and he asks for ice. He does not want to buy anything, just wants free ice for his warm tea. We don’t sell fountain sodas and have no ice maker. It is a hundred degrees in there. We sell bottled sodas out of coolers. If we had ice we would have given him some just to get rid of him. He asks three times and still does not take ‘no’ for an answer. I stepped away to check on something and when I turned around he was gone but had spilled his tea all over the counter. Apparently his tea had no value without a free supply of ice.”
“He then sat in his SUV for fifteen minutes, blocking the delivery men from coming and going. We were about to call the police when he pulled off. When he left the girl came out of the bathroom. When I asked her what that was about she told me that he had come in before and offered her money to dance for him, to dance with his peg-leg as a pole! She was scared to death of this guy. He is a peg-legged pervert!”
