"Last year, last spring, I think, I was headed out of the house at five in the morning to feed the cats. [1] As I headed down the sidewalk to the car—I live on the corner of a row—this car that had been pulling round the corner, hit the breaks—they were looking at me, the driver and the one in the back seat on my side—and began to reverse.

"I said to myself, 'Oh no you don't.' Turned around, got back inside, locked the door and looked out the window just as they had pulled even with my car. I picked up the phone and called nine-one-one, let them see the phone and they pulled off.

"No, they weren't Amish.

"Noo, they weren't Jewish either!

"No! they weren't Chinese chicks either. Okay? You wanna know who they were? They didn't look like me. They weren't this color [pinches back of hand]—they were Yomish—the Yomish, how about that, a new breed of criminal humans who can't work for a darned living and have to hunt hard-working people while the rich play golf and drink poolside martinis! I hope Trump cuts all their food stamps! It would be worth taking the beatings just to know that these people didn't have more in their refrigerator than me."

-Larry, Veteran Retail Food NCO

The most ominous development since the redacted riot and purge of 2015 in the Harm City region is groups of men and youth, from 3-5 strong, have gone car-mobile and are cruising all hours of the day and night to catch suburban whites going to and from their cars and home and place of business. This is accomplished by dismounting from the Whitey-hunting buggy, while the wheel man keeps her idling and ready, and then bum-rushing the person, knocking them down and taking their valuables. When the person resists they are either threatened or injured with a weapon or beaten more severely than necessary. The police and media have done much to cover these crimes up and have refused to note this trend in advice columns for remaining safe. The perps, as Larry said, are always Yomish, and communicate with each other worldwide through Hip Hop media. So expect the cruising Yomish in a burb near you, Whitey!

1. Larry cares for a group of stray cats that live behind a nearby vacant lot in a small wood.