Hello James

Having seen your ‘thank you’ piece (private communication aside), and the mention of a total of one (1!) sale of the hapless Gilgamesh, I thought to share with your readers my least read satire. I had woke up one morning channeling L Ron Hubbard who is ‘clear’-ly desiring to correct the record from the afterlife. Now, in this case, I have some small authority, Hubbard is from MY MONTANA and claimed to have been given the Blackfoot mysteries of the universe when he was four years old, by a medicine man no one in Blackfoot country had ever heard of: “Old Tom.” Now, minding the fact in that ancient world of the Blackfeet one spent 40 years (on average) mastering the knowledge, Hubbard instructed me turnabout is fair play and presented here is his corrected system, Urolagnetics, superseding system formerly known as Dianetics.

Ron West

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"The history of the great events of this world are scarcely more than a history of crime" -Voltaire

Urolagnetics |ˌyo͝orōˈlagnetics|

noun

pl.noun [ treated as sing. ]

a system developed by the founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard, that aims to enhance psychosomatic ejaculation caused by a tendency to derive sexual pleasure from the sight or thought of urination

Philosophy Ejaculates After 2,000 Years

By L. Ron Hubbard

Pederasty did not end with Ancient Greece. Out of this ‘Natural’ Philosophy of those times came our new age pseudo-science. The wonders of cappuccino and frappe, quiche, lattes, vibrators and even porn have their roots in the firm base of Greek Philosophy.

When Diogenes urinated on Plato’s carpet, all the rest, Aristotle, Euclid, Thales, Heraclitus, Parmenides, Democritus, and Pythagoras laughed to tears as they spontaneously ejaculated their knowledge into the future.

Even though all this madness developed out of Greek thought and pederasty, with the notable exception of Diogenes, consider the great names of Philosophy had failed.

And so they had. Until today.

For their philosophic goal was the supremacy of European cultural mentality and its relationship to the Universe. And this Universe they could never ejaculate upon. Their proven penis envy with their Catholic assertion Man was a dildo clothed in flesh, they could only assert it with the lingams launched from the world’s several cosmodromes. And so they drowned in the great flow of pontificated urination which evolved to engulf the world in the coming 21st Century Dark Age.

Why did they fail? They needed the higher psycho-somosis of the ‘clear’ (climax) which would, over two thousand years later, erupt from my morally ‘erect’ philosophy.

This was ascertained. But it was used for different purposes than those advertised, and Celebrity Man turned his back upon dreams of equity and succumbed to making movies about piloting planes to bomb cities and atom bombs to wipe out the Mankind only the CIA fused Hollywood had understood.

That’s Urolagnetics. And in it, the goals of Greek Pederasty live again.

Using modern developments in the sciences, it became possible to approach again the basic problems, What is ejaculation? What is its relationship to the Universe? What is the Universe?

Urolagnetics, after a three quarters of a century of careful research and investigation, can answer, with scientific truth, those questions and can prove the answers.

This is rather a climax.

We have come so far from Diogenes pissing on Plato’s sitting place that we have almost forgotten what he was trying to tell us. But if you consult writings of the work they did over two thousand years ago, you will see the plucked, naked rooster racing about: “Behold Plato’s Man!”

They wanted Man to know. They did not fail. They laid the ancient Greeks a firm alter on which to practice the Priapism. And two thousand and more years later, our ‘clear’ ejaculations furnish the evidence they need.

And that evidence and its truths and its great potential of betterment for the individual and all Mankind are completed work today in Urolagnetics.

We have reached the ‘stars’ the ancients saw; Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Isaac Hayes, Mike Adams and more. And we know what it is. You’ll find its value when you become a Urolagneticist, a being who has come to know himself, life and the Universe and can give a philosophical hand-job to those around him in the presence of these very stars.

And then, Le Petite Imbecile Ron, urinating in his state of ‘clear’ … psychosomatically ejaculated himself fifteen feet into the air, no different to the Blackfoot ‘Old Tom’ had demonstrated possible; when handing Hubbard the keys to the shamanic universe when a four year old child:

Note: satire based on the 1969 essay ‘Philosophy Wins After 2,000 Years’ by L Ron Hubbard