On Saturday October 12 2013, at about 11:00 AM, the EBT [food stamp] electronic payment system went down in 17 states. This was apparently a glitch. I’m sure all of the talented Federale IT people are working in military intelligence, not EBT networking. In any case, the reactions at area supermarkets at this peak of subsidized shopping may give us a preview at what might happen if an entire subsidy cycle failed to feed the masses of massive misfits.

I donned my Ghetto Grocer apron [It is a cruddy threadbare old apron and I could use a replacement if any Third World sweatshop owners are feeling charitable.] and hurdled across the brownstone expanse of the Baltimore ghetto checking in on the beleaguered employees manning Fort Hoodrat and Cheap Guys R Us.

At Fort Hoodrat there was much yelling about ‘Da govoment not doin’ shit’. The manager scrambled to make certain it was not his system that had gone down. Upon calling other grocers he discovered that it was a statewide meltdown. The ghetto customers dispersed, leaving behind about 40 loaded shopping carts to be re-shelved by the employees.

Those ghettoites in the know went across town to Cheap Guys R Us, a corporate chain store that has a policy of permitting a purchase of $150 per an order when the system goes down. The transaction is held for verification when the ‘govoment’ system goes back up. Since the system is down and no verification of funds is possible, hoodrat mammas who know well that they have no EBT funds remaining [or have not yet received theirs] will stop in for $150 in free food. These unredeemable transactions come to 10% of total. Cheap Guys R Us had 70 baskets of returns.

The most frightening thing about the Cheap Guys R Us version of the EBT Apocalypse preview was that the customers began to leave with loads of unpaid for food. There was one Harm City cop and one rent-a-cop on duty. Feeling overwhelmed by the mob of federally funded sumo-sized mammas the Harm City cop called in for backup. I have no verfication on how many Harm City Store Troopers were required to stem the flood of gluttonous rebels and suppress a looting spree, as my source [105 pound Miss Ezz] was ducking for cover. I did, however, get a direct quote for a ghetto mamma battle cry; perhaps the same cry that shall ring out one day like the ejection of a car-sized pop tart from a skyscraper-sized toaster, “Yo don’ dey know people gots ta eat!”

As a man recently commenting on the situation sagely noted, “It shows how close to the bottom things are.”

Never fear, when that EBT airliner crash lands, the Ghetto Grocer will be there, braving hurled cheese curls and soda bottles, to bring you the story of the Rise of Militant Urban Obesity.

An Omnibus Volume of James' First Two Books

Nice Day for a Funeral