Geometrica Futuō

(The Subtle Geometry of Fucking) By Eirik Bloodaxe

The great utilitarian philosopher Jeremy Bentham always contributes interesting articles to this most noble site. “Don’t Cheat on the Magic Negro,” reports on a black couple, male and female, who allegedly got locked together during fucking: .

The article in the UK Mirror runs the line that the Kenyan couple were committing adultery and the cucked husband used a “magun” potion to probably cause vaginismus, with its “involuntary muscle spasm,” causing the pair to the locked together like dogs. Magic and sex; always a dangerous mix: . Vaginismus, by the way, almost always prevents penetration occurring at all, but let’s at least let this story get to first base.

It is a great story, for a pre-scientific audience, one that comprises most people, nowadays. This story, for example, sat next to the story of a woman giving birth to a baby goat, which only a cursory knowledge of genetics would refute: .

The major problem with the cock/cunt locked hypothesis is that it is physiologically improbable that this would occur for humans, given that the human male penis, unlike that of the dog, is erect for penetration of the female vagina. In the dog, the penis is not erect at penetration, but penetration is achieved by the semi-erection produced by a narrow bone called the baculum. After initial thrusting, blood flow inflates a bulb at the base of the penis called the bulbus glandis. This swells, and the vaginal sphincter muscles grip it, and lock the dogs together until ejaculation. Here are some scientific papers for your term paper on “How Dogs Fuck”:

• Johnson, R. D., and R. L. Kitchell. "Mechanoreceptor response to mechanical and thermal stimuli in the glans penis of the dog." Journal of neurophysiology 57.6 (1987): 1813-1836.

• Carati, C. J., K. E. Creed, and E. J. Keogh. "Vascular changes during penile erection in the dog." The Journal of Physiology 400.1 (1988): 75-88.

• Hanyu, S., et al. "Mechanism of penile erection in the dog." Urologia Internationalis 42.6 (2010): 401-412.

• Hart, Benjamin L. "The action of extrinsic penile muscles during copulation in the male dog." The Anatomical Record 173.1 (1972): 1-5.

• Hart, Benjamin L., and Ralph L. Kitchell. "External morphology of the erect glans penis of the dog." The Anatomical Record 152.2 (1965): 193-198.

• Kutzler, Michelle Anne. "Semen collection in the dog." Theriogenology 64.3 (2005): 747-754.

• Purohit, R. C., and SIDNEY D. Beckett. "Penile pressures and muscle activity associated with erection and ejaculation in the dog." American Journal of Physiology—Legacy Content 231.5 (1976): 1343-1348.

The Kenyan story is bullshit because humans, even presumably well-hung Kenyans, lack a bulbus glandis. The male’s cock, even if deeply inserted into the female’s anus, would slide out. It is a simple as that. Today people will do anything for their five minutes of fame.