For a small time writer like myself, it comes as a pleasant surprise when I receive celebrity recognition, like the time I showed up at the North Avenue and Aisquith craps shootout on a hot Friday night with my ‘Violence Guy’ business cards, offering to ghost write autobiographies and earning the ghetto sobriquet ‘ma smart white nigga!’

As I headed out with my wing girl Ajay to view the latest Jonny Trejo vehicle I was thrilled to discover that the entire theater had been reserved for me! Three hardcore whitetrashettes, with one raspy-voiced veteran of 30 years in tanning booths striking Ajay as ‘just your type’, womaned the counter and provided all of the five-star amenities due an august Harm City journalist coming back into town for a cameo.

Now having read nearly ten graphic novels, I can more fully appreciate the genius of the filmmaker behind Machete Kills. The plot was so bad it could have been penned by Tolkien, with the plot-enabling eagles and wizard replaced by killer dykes with machine guns. This is essentially six overkill action scenes strung along a rudimentary trajectory. There is really no ‘story’ to speak of. This is purely art without recourse to that nagging literary artifice called narrative. Let me just wet your appetite amigos:

1. Enough gorgeous Hispanic babes to crash the Miss Universe pageant get shot, maimed and killed at close range that I suspect a prurient appeal to some sexually-frustrated psycho-nerd murder complex.

2. The actor also known as Charlie Sheen playing the U.S President as Bill Clinton without a ruthless dyke-bitch wife, whiskey on the desk and interns stacked up in bed.

3. Sofia Vergara as my dominatrix fantasy come to life torturing muscle guys with a bullwhip, and outfitted with a stainless steel mini-gun bikini-top and a fifty-caliber strap-on had Ajay finally convinced that my taste in women is beyond redemption.

4. Cuba Gooding Junior, Antonio Bandaras, Lady Gaga, and the dude that played the flaky dirty cop on The Shield as a shape-changing assassin.

5. The thirty hardest working stuntmen in California as six gangs of recycled gun-battle casualties.

6. An upgraded porn star whose character actually gets it on with the pock-marked hero.

7. Mel Gibson as a James Bond villain, who has difficulty saying his lines with a straight face, but I suppose went through with it to appease the nine-year-old Chicano kid who wrote the script and was probably promising him a Jack & Coke after every line.

8. And Jonny Trejo rips through it all as the California State Prison Boxing champion, as a stunt man, as an extra upgraded to a character actor, impersonating an actor, in the roll of Machete, in Machete Kills, a shameless 90-minute long prequel to Machete Kills Again: In Space!

I had a good time, especially when Machete—much to Ajay’s cringing disgust—lassoed a Huey with a man’s intestines and used the rotor action to whip himself around machete in hand, decapitating bad guys—who were not bad enough for Machete!