"James, I am a woman living alone in a house I can ill afford. In considering a roommate I'm looking for a masculine tenant. I have rented and roomed with women before and they are simply insufferable. Realizing that I am seeking to do this in the shadow of intrusive, pro-black discrimination laws, how do I avoid the ultimate horror story of rooming with a BT-1000! How do I go about selecting a man for a roommate?"

-Mary Ann

Mary Ann, what you most want to avoid is having young black men in your house. This is the best reason for not renting to a black woman, for she will breed and invite a parade of aggression-prone man-children through your door.

Place your home sharing ad like so:

No pets. No children. Mature men only.

Applicants must be employed or retired, 35-years-of-age or older.

35, according to Dante, his reason for seeking infernal knowledge with Virgil as his guide, is the "midway point" in an enlightened man's life, at which age those men prone to awakening begin to do so. For this reason the presidency is not open to candidates under 35 years. This is also the point of athletic decline, a sobering occurrence for even meat-headed men. Men who reach this age, who are unattached and employed, tend to be very little trouble. Where women will always bring men into their dwelling, men are roughly half as likely to do so. When they do bring a woman into a house in which their mother, sister or land lady live, they will have already screened out the psychobitches, as nothing disturbs a man more than being under the roof of two bickering broads.

The most commonly reliable and trouble free roommates available are the middle aged man who is separated from his wife or the recently retired single man or widower. You can usually count on a year of occupancy and often more. There is also a security benefit to having a man seen coming and going and residing at your house. This is enhanced if he does not drive and takes mass transit or walks, because even the locals will not know he is home. My roommates generally have no idea when I am home.

Good luck, Mary Ann, screen your applicants online and be assertive at your interview.