Anthropologist Lionel Tiger has recently coined the term ‘Bureaugamy’ to describe the rising kinship system that dominates American urban life. The three components of this ‘family’ are a woman, a baby, and a government official. Men only relate to this system as breeding drones and entertainers. When not providing one of these services they are generally intoxicated or incarcerated. Last night on the bus I was ringside for this sniveling new world.

If the Zombie Apocalypse had been underway at 10:30 p.m. last night I would have tossed the following two human devolution experiments out the back door to the walkers.

A mixed race teenage girl with dyed red hair boarded the bus with her BFF [a white girl with smartphone], her semi-employed drone [a skinny black kid with an afro] charged with piloting the baby stroller, and a little brown baby of perhaps 11 months.

What time was this again?

The baby, tired of being dragged around to fast food joints and T-mobile outlets on a wintry night, began to cry as the mother sat him on her lap next to me. Mom wiped her runny nose on the sleeve of her new coat, slapped the baby in the back of the head, and said, “Shut up before I bang you in your mouth!”

Thank you miss, if I’m still around in 16 years when this brutalized product of your neglect is walking the streets looking for old white dudes to bank, I’ll surely be too old to outrun him.

Feed her to the zekes!

A few minutes later an unemployed drone, drunk out of his mind, stepped up unto the bus and refused to put his money in the meter until he had said his piece about the Superbowl. The bus driver asked him to pay and he got louder and held the bus up for another five minutes. The bus driver then asked him to get off and the drunk became threatening and—since he is white and obviously trying to get me dragged into a race riot—began making racial slurs.

Eventually he called the driver—who is a friend of mine—an asshole, and strode to the back of the bus with his half drunk forty of Bud Light—the universally renowned beverage of jerks.

I continued reading my book, but, but! If we had a zombie apocalypse going on I would have hamstrung him with my razor, knocked his remaining two teeth out with my steel toes, and tossed him to the zekes!

Have a nice day, support your local bureaugamist, and throw that panhandler under the wheels of this bus, please.