I had the weekend off from medical school while I was living in Hershey. Being an adrenalin junky I had to run, I’ve got a great course laid out through this rural area and I’m pumped up, been at it for a few miles, when these two dogs start running down the hill at me. It’s a Labrador and a pit bull trailing chains.

Part of me sees the wood attached to the chains and is inclined to think this isn’t good. But I love dogs and the Lab was a real good looking animal. So he runs up and I hug him and he licks my nose and that damned pit bull bites my quad. This thing was able to open its mouth wide enough to bight across the top of the knee and behind both sections of the muscle.

Then they’re running off up the hill and I’m standing there bleeding, saying, “Ah fuck, the run is ruined.”

So I start yelling, “Dogs are loose, dogs are loose,” while I’m running to the hospital, Hershey Medical Center, which is two miles away.

I’m there in ten minutes, walking through the ER bleeding all over the place and they put me in a room. I’m sitting there in this surgical room for an hour and I see alcohol, they’ve got stitching. So I just cleaned the wounds and stitch them up. While I’m finishing this intern comes in and sees what I’ve done and hands me an antibiotic and says, “Good job. Here, you’ll need these.”

I love the waitresses at this place. This Filipino theme is rocking. You know the Filipino dietician at the hospital is in love with you. You got the mojo, the Neanderthal mojo. You need to write a book titled, The Clubbing, a tutorial on how to chemically enslave women. They need to be mastered and on a chemical level even the bitchiest of them understand that—then the brainwashing intrudes and you’ve got an irrational bitch on your hands.

-Doctor “Dread” London, coauthor of the tome below, available in no Medical Library.